I’ve been sitting and sitting and sitting… falling further and further into depression. My house is filthy. Laundry is strewn all over the place. I’ve been looking at the same plate of half eaten bagel on the dining room table for days… Dishes in the sink are piling higher and higher. The refrigerator is full of take out that I can’t even think about eating…

Broken foot. 46 days of broken.

I was fighting this in the beginning. I thought I could force my foot to behave. Walk. But now, I no longer have the drive to operate at the speed I used to. I don’t know if thats the depression or if I am really changing my behavior. There must be something for me to change out of all of this. Things happen for a reason right? Sure…

“But you don’t believe in all that fate crap. You’re in control of your own life. Here have a cookie. And I promise, by the time you’re through with it, you’ll feel right as rain.”

That’s what the oracle said to Neo in the Matrix when he still doubted that he was the one.  I personally don’t believe in it anymore either. I just haven’t had that experience with life lately. Maybe it’s part of adulthood. Life is something you have to work at. Every day. Especially if you want to have a good one. And then we get hit by the x-factor. The wild card. And bam, we’re down for the count. No matter how we plan for hard times we’re hardly prepared them. Personally, one more good hit to myself and I’m going to be right back in the hospital psych ward.

Man plans. God laughs.

Maybe I should study Buddhism. I have several books written by the Dalai Lama and have enjoyed them all. God I just want this pain to go away. I feel such a heaviness in my heart and I am ruminating on all of the bad that’s happened in the last 3 months. I did make things right with my ex though. I had to. My anger was toxic!

I’ve been off my feet now for 25 days. I finally got an MRI of my right foot. I should soon know just what the hell is going on down there. The results won’t be officially given to me until Monday, but I did convince the tech to let me listen to the dictation from the radiologist. A big no-no as far as HIPA is concerned, but nothing that some tears from a girl on crutches can’t manage. The hospital badge helps too.

It sounds like there are two fractures according to the radiologist, however I don’t speak doctor, so the blah, blah, period, blah, blah, blah, period, went pretty fast for me, but I did catch fracture. I was like, “Thank God. That’s what I wanted to hear.” The tech just looked at me, “That’s what you wanted?” “Well, I didn’t want to hear that it was a torn ligament.” I think he still thought I was nutty, but I didn’t care as long as I could keep chatting with him. He was super cute!

I’ll tell you what though, the anger I’ve been feeling is just getting unbearable, for me, my family, hell even the dog! I feel like I need a frickin’ anger management class to get me through this. I am so pissed at the ER for screwing up. I told them it was more than a sprain. I told them I heard a loud pop when I went down. When I asked the foot doctor if that meant anything he said, “Well yes. It means you broke something.” So why the misdiagnosis? Why did I go to work after 10 days of lying on the couch having my mother wait on me and walk around? God I hope I didn’t screw something up.

Now I just feel depressed. I feel beaten down by this. I hate, absolutely hate, not being able to get around by myself. I can’t drive. I can’t clean my house. Can’t do laundry. The workout of crutching around is pretty good though. It’s like doing a push-up and a crunch all at once each time you take a step. Maybe I’ll have great looking arms and a flat tummy when it’s all said and done.

My biggest concern is how long I’m going to be laid up, because this really effects my moods. The one way I control my bipolar is to go outside and get some good cardio going. I haven’t figured out how to do that and there’s no good replacement. I’ve been using wine, but that just ends up backfiring. It ultimately makes me feel more withdrawn and more grouchy.

Today I went up to one of my favorite remote, secret places, and that always resets me, but I had to be driven. I’m really not doing well with being driven everywhere. Maybe this is all happening to force me to slow down. I have been running on awfully high speed for the past year. I try and contemplate the bigger picture… hmmm.

Anyway, if there is something to contemplate its this. The afternoon of my fall, when I was at work, I get this email from a friend of mine and at the bottom there’s one of those rotating quotes that are sometimes there. I read it, think nothing of it, then as I’m walking out of work, just minutes before my fall, I see this piece of paper lying on the ground. It has the same quote on it.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. — Steve Jobs