• Don’t Try and Hold the Beach Ball Underwater

    January 30, 2014 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    It’s been three months since my accident. I’m still walking in a boot, but at least I’m walking. I go in to see my doctor on Monday and oh the dread… Not because of the foot. Not because I know he is going to say two more weeks in the boot, but because I am experiencing a bad case of transference towards him. I know that’s all it is. I know it’s because he was the one to take care of me during a crisis, and I have been utterly dependent on him for a while now, but the logic does not make it go away. I actually met with my therapist to ask her about it and she advised the following.

    “Don’t try and avoid it, that will just make it worse. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Don’t repress it. Don’t move away from it. Don’t quit going to him. Don’t avoid driving down the street where you know he lives. Just accept it and it will fade.”

    In other words, don’t try and hold the beach ball underwater.

    The thing is, it’s hard to feel it fade when he blurs the boundaries, and oh do I want him to continue to do that, but how is that helping me? He’s married. Has kids. I may be a temptation to him but that’s all I am. In the meantime, I have his cell phone number, he’s come to my office for an office visit and not charged me for it, he allows me to text him and he texts me back, and most pointedly, that last visit we had… the tension in the room was like a thick fog. Every move one of us made the other mirrored. Every expression. There were long drawn out pauses where neither of us spoke, yet the visit went on to a full 40 minutes. I actually felt nervous and had a hard time holding his gaze.

    So now the question. What do I do on Monday? The way I see it, I have three options. 1) Ignore the entire thing and remain completely neutral (oh yeah right. That has been working so well!) 2) Openly flirt and see what happens (a good way continue the agony) 3) Have a conversation with him and tell him directly what’s going on.

    Unfortunately the last one, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, will probably yield the best results. For me, not for him. I wish I knew what to do. I mean I wish I knew what I was going to do. I’d like to talk openly about it, but I truly believe that I’ll be too nervous. I bet I don’t say anything at all. Option 1. No flirting, but no talking about it either. In other words, keep holding the beach ball underwater.

  • A Word About Transference

    January 23, 2014 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    Excerpt –

    Transference 
    Freud’s original definition of transference referred to how the patient perceived in his analyst the return of some important figure from his childhood or past, and consequently transferred onto him or her feelings and reactions that undoubtedly applied to this role model, whether it was a positive or negative experience.

    In truth, all our relationships can be sources of transference and not just with analysts or counselors, but with any person or situation that triggers our unresolved, buried emotions.

    Transference is related to the human capacity to learn from, and compare our personal history with, judgments about possible outcomes in our current and future situations. This is a useful tool and is, in fact, part of the remarkable makeup of our human psyche.

    In daily life, we naturally evaluate and continually update how our experiences affect us and how we feel in response to them. As we grow and collect more life experiences, we learn to use memory, emotions, and our five senses to give us hints about what to expect and how to interpret an upcoming situation. Much of this happens below the level of conscious thought. Problems can arise when we find ourselves reacting on autopilot, unable to truly evaluate our situation at all. When we do find ourselves in transference, our minds are too busy with emotional reactions relating to past, remembered experiences to be fully aware and present.

    Transference can be positive or negative. For example, we might have fond memories of a favorite aunt; when we go into a store and the salesperson has similar mannerisms or body build, or wears the same cologne or perfume, or perhaps has a way about her that reminds us of the way Aunt Helen used to be, we may think positively about that person and assume they can do no wrong; we may even find ourselves willing to buy anything they have to sell. We may be vaguely aware of the transference or completely unaware of it on a conscious level. While positive transference can be pleasant and lead to new and positive relationships, it can also lead to unfair expectations on our part, i.e., an unconscious questioning “Why doesn’t she treat me the way Aunt Helen did?” Con men running scams rely heavily on “hooking” us by striving to strike a “positive chord,” substituting themselves for a trusted person in our memory. If they can get us into positive transference they can get under our guard.

    Negative transference is recollecting some difficult or traumatic experience from the past and transferring it onto our present situation or onto a person in our present environment, who may have nothing to do with our past experience, as if the two experiences were the same. The triggered emotions may undoubtedly be the same, and feel just as real in the present time as they did when they first occurred, evoking actual distress, anger, or pain. Transference can go from mild irritation to paralyzing fear of experiencing repeated abuse or direct violence.

    Transference is often not logical in an everyday conscious sense. The logic of repressed emotion plays by its own rules. Soldiers returning from combat duty often experience transference known as posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is that simple things, a tactile impression, a scent, or seeing someone of a particular ethnicityócan be enough to call up vivid and painful memories of combat.
    The ability to recognize transference can be powerful tool for healing. Original traumatic experiences with significant people in our childhood are echoed throughout our life, and they reflect the degree of intensity of those early experiences. Each automatic reaction and response to the impressions left in our minds and bodies compounds the effects of transference. As a result, our misconceptions are strengthened as we “re-experience” the same sequence, again and again.

    From DEEP Origin Healing and the Origin of Personality Distoriton

    Chapter Five
    Energetic Configurations of the Five Personality Distortions

  • Letting Go

    December 27, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    I feel like I’ve been living in a dream world, and it hasn’t been a great one. It’s been hard to endure, and although I feel relieved that my foot is finally healing, I also feel reflective. I realize that everything we do, every feeling we have presents us with a choice. How to react. How to present ourselves to others. How to present ourselves to the world. I used to be so focused on my need for order, my desire for cleanliness. I was being driven and I didn’t even know it.

    For the past two months I have sat and watched  things pile up and get messy and have had to force myself to not react. I’ve had to look at it and not give in to the desire to get up and fix things. My job was to fix my foot, and the only way to do that was to do nothing at all. I had to let go, and I have found a great peace in doing so. I let go, and it’s clear to me now that that actually works. In letting go I can stop being anxious. I can stop being edgy. I can stop being angry….

    I suppose this need to control my environment is due to the fact that I have a hard time controlling my own self… my emotions, my reactive nature, my anger at knowing that the feeling of being in control is only temporary. It’s an illusion… and although this has been said before by many others, it really doesn’t sink in, doesn’t apply to ourselves unless forced upon us.

    My greatest discovery out of all of this is that I can make my anger go away. It’s not about trying to control anger, that has never worked, but ironically letting go of control releases the anger. It just disappears. It doesn’t come around. In the past, when I’ve had these epiphanies, I would say to myself, “I hope this feeling stays.” This time, I have a different understanding. I know how to make it stay.

  • Broken Foot – Broken Spirit

    December 14, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    I’ve been sitting and sitting and sitting… falling further and further into depression. My house is filthy. Laundry is strewn all over the place. I’ve been looking at the same plate of half eaten bagel on the dining room table for days… Dishes in the sink are piling higher and higher. The refrigerator is full of take out that I can’t even think about eating…

    Broken foot. 46 days of broken.

    I was fighting this in the beginning. I thought I could force my foot to behave. Walk. But now, I no longer have the drive to operate at the speed I used to. I don’t know if thats the depression or if I am really changing my behavior. There must be something for me to change out of all of this. Things happen for a reason right? Sure…

    “But you don’t believe in all that fate crap. You’re in control of your own life. Here have a cookie. And I promise, by the time you’re through with it, you’ll feel right as rain.”

    That’s what the oracle said to Neo in the Matrix when he still doubted that he was the one.  I personally don’t believe in it anymore either. I just haven’t had that experience with life lately. Maybe it’s part of adulthood. Life is something you have to work at. Every day. Especially if you want to have a good one. And then we get hit by the x-factor. The wild card. And bam, we’re down for the count. No matter how we plan for hard times we’re hardly prepared them. Personally, one more good hit to myself and I’m going to be right back in the hospital psych ward.

    Man plans. God laughs.

    Maybe I should study Buddhism. I have several books written by the Dalai Lama and have enjoyed them all. God I just want this pain to go away. I feel such a heaviness in my heart and I am ruminating on all of the bad that’s happened in the last 3 months. I did make things right with my ex though. I had to. My anger was toxic!

  • The Gimp

    November 25, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    I’ve been off my feet now for 25 days. I finally got an MRI of my right foot. I should soon know just what the hell is going on down there. The results won’t be officially given to me until Monday, but I did convince the tech to let me listen to the dictation from the radiologist. A big no-no as far as HIPA is concerned, but nothing that some tears from a girl on crutches can’t manage. The hospital badge helps too.

    It sounds like there are two fractures according to the radiologist, however I don’t speak doctor, so the blah, blah, period, blah, blah, blah, period, went pretty fast for me, but I did catch fracture. I was like, “Thank God. That’s what I wanted to hear.” The tech just looked at me, “That’s what you wanted?” “Well, I didn’t want to hear that it was a torn ligament.” I think he still thought I was nutty, but I didn’t care as long as I could keep chatting with him. He was super cute!

    I’ll tell you what though, the anger I’ve been feeling is just getting unbearable, for me, my family, hell even the dog! I feel like I need a frickin’ anger management class to get me through this. I am so pissed at the ER for screwing up. I told them it was more than a sprain. I told them I heard a loud pop when I went down. When I asked the foot doctor if that meant anything he said, “Well yes. It means you broke something.” So why the misdiagnosis? Why did I go to work after 10 days of lying on the couch having my mother wait on me and walk around? God I hope I didn’t screw something up.

    Now I just feel depressed. I feel beaten down by this. I hate, absolutely hate, not being able to get around by myself. I can’t drive. I can’t clean my house. Can’t do laundry. The workout of crutching around is pretty good though. It’s like doing a push-up and a crunch all at once each time you take a step. Maybe I’ll have great looking arms and a flat tummy when it’s all said and done.

    My biggest concern is how long I’m going to be laid up, because this really effects my moods. The one way I control my bipolar is to go outside and get some good cardio going. I haven’t figured out how to do that and there’s no good replacement. I’ve been using wine, but that just ends up backfiring. It ultimately makes me feel more withdrawn and more grouchy.

    Today I went up to one of my favorite remote, secret places, and that always resets me, but I had to be driven. I’m really not doing well with being driven everywhere. Maybe this is all happening to force me to slow down. I have been running on awfully high speed for the past year. I try and contemplate the bigger picture… hmmm.

    Anyway, if there is something to contemplate its this. The afternoon of my fall, when I was at work, I get this email from a friend of mine and at the bottom there’s one of those rotating quotes that are sometimes there. I read it, think nothing of it, then as I’m walking out of work, just minutes before my fall, I see this piece of paper lying on the ground. It has the same quote on it.

    Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. — Steve Jobs 

  • I Give Up!

    November 7, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off
    • I give up on trusting men
    • I give up on being oppressed
    • I give up on resenting my dog for liking everyone else more than me
    • I give up on my high stress job
    • I give up on paying too much for rent
    • I give up on ever getting ahead in this town
    • I give up on keeping up appearances
    • I give up on fighting my ex for custody
    • I give up on forgiving my dad for just not getting it
    • I give up on thinking I drink to much wine
    • I give up on hating the bags under my eyes
    • I give up on keeping things in perfect order
    • I give up on cooking… anything
    • I give up on trying to do it all

    I think this may be the new me. I’ve been laid up and on crutches for the past week. My mom has had to cook for me, take out the trash, take care of the dog, clean up my house, do laundry, bring over movies… hell I can’t even carry a cup of water to my bedside table!

    It’s been a real eye-opener, especially for a borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’ve been challenged with what I consider the worst case scenario for myself. Letting others take care of me. It has been pretty fucked up for me as far as trusting anyone to actually do that. I’ve gotten a lot of talk about how I’ll be alright and taken care of by ex-husbands, boyfriends, even my dad. It’s a man-trip I think, and their own obsessions to control their women. So I give up, on everything this time.

    It’s all about stressors and how they create a different me. I don’t think I behave any differently but my so-called energy must change. My dog notices is, my son does, and I’m just done with these negative changes in me. I’ve been living as a slave to those things I’ve listed above and they create all the bad business in my life. They create the look on my face. They create the the furrowed brow, the downturned mouth, the hunched shoulders, the impatience, the loss of control, the rage. They drive me. They own me. They create the reality around me and I allow them to. One of my favorite quotes that I never seem to let sink in.

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
    ― Eleanor Roosevelt

    Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to become doormats, wall flowers, something less than? We are women! For God sakes why do you think we are the ones who can bear children and raise the little monsters to become healthy, compassionate adults?

    It’s funny, but I don’t know where to start in the giving up process. There is a start though isn’t there? I mean, you still have to take some sort of action in giving up. I wonder if it goes something like this…

    1. Quit my job
    2. Ignore my dog
    3. Tell my dad off
    4. Move into a shit-box low rent apartment
    5. Have my son live with his dad during the school week, since the shit-box apt will only be a one bedroom or studio.
    6. Let it become really, really messy
    7. Wear whatever I want
    8. Drink plenty of wine and eat frozen dinners.

    Gotta love that. I’ve also considered selling all of my furniture and buying a camper and living out of my truck. Would that change anything though? After all, I’m still the borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’d probably get pissed for not getting the perfect parking spot for the camper.

  • I Guess I Spoke Too Soon

    September 30, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    There are five stages of grief, and we experience them regardless of the situation, as long as it is traumatic. Shock – Anger – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance.

    I work at the hospital, and I see a lot of the shock and anger, even the bargaining. I can relate to those in my own life, but it takes quite a hit for me not to move past the depression stage quickly. I often jump right to acceptance. See, I am the eternal optimist. I am an optimist to a fault actually. I expect the best and when the worst happens, well, it totally fucks with me. A friend of mine is the opposite. She’s pessimistic and thinks the worst will happen and is pleasantly surprised when things go her way. I don’t get it. I remain the blind fool I guess.

    This car thing has finally hit me though. They say be wary when a major event happens, that it can trigger mania and depression. I didn’t believe it. Why should I? I’m in control of my own life now, right? Well it happened and it sucked as usual. First I slept for 11 hours on Friday night, mistake number one. I got up with trepidation. I am so prone to the manic side of this illness that I pretty much knew I was headed for an eventful day.

    I started out with a run, hoping that would curtail the excessiveness I was sure to feel by early afternoon, but then I had this great idea to cook all day and stock up the freezer for winter. My day turned out to be a shopping spree a the local grocery store, cooking two stew dinners, four helpings of pasta sauce and a vat of black bean soup. While the food was cooking and I didn’t need to watch it, I ripping up the perennial beds and replanted in the rain. Then I had to move the air conditioners out of the house and get in the winter stuff. I vacuumed the house, cleaned out the refrigerator, went through my closet and switched summer to winter clothes. I did three loads of laundry, folded clothes for two hours and worked out. Why in the hell didn’t I stop? Why didn’t I heed the warning signs to avoid the crash?

    Sunday morning. I decided not to oversleep, good idea, but as the afternoon wore on I got more and more exhausted. I had to lay down at 4 o’clock. I would have slept for hours… I forced myself to get up though and make dinner, but when I headed into the kitchen I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I stared out the window and didn’t prepare food. I could tell that something was slipping in my mind and I had to catch it soon – my son was home. I felt this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Do I really have to live with this for another 20, 30, 40 years? I don’t think I can do it. I thought about the relief of putting a 38 Smith & Wesson to my head and pulling the trigger. I was once again in a very bad place.

    I sunk to the floor next to the refrigerator. I couldn’t get up. I wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and hide. I thought, Should I go to the urgent care psychiatric center?, because I knew that’s where I need to go when things get really bad. I forced myself to get up, regain control, but I could feel the insanity right there, behind a thin veil looking at me, waiting for me to slip up, let loose one tear, pick up one thing and throw it, let out one scream….

    Is this how it’s going to go? Do I really have to live with this? How can I ever trust myself again?

    I’ve been thinking about the word insanity. The folks at AA have taken it and skewed it to their own definition saying, “it’s doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”. I’d like to punch one of them in the face right about now. I did not choose this, and despite what some people say about alcoholism, I don’t believe in the disease theory either. It’s still a choice to keep on drinking. It’s not a choice to be born with a mental illness that will burden you for the rest of your life.

    Maybe I’m just being judgmental now, but the truth is, what happened tonight scared the shit out of me. How do I manage this? How do I explain to people what happens to me, so that they can help me? My ex-boyfriend walked into a horrible scene once and he got a taste of what it can really be like during a bad episode. I told him then and there, “This is what happens. This is what I am dealing with”.

    So, I guess that I am not unaffected by the stress of being carless. Maybe this is the depression stage. I sure-to-God hope so. I need to move into the acceptance stage really soon!

     

  • Exhaustion

    September 24, 2013 Author: NuttyLizzy
    Comments Off

    My mom thinks I push myself too hard. She thinks that I’m trying to replicate the childhood she gave me with my own son. I try to explain… “Mom, I get up at 5:50, take a half hour for myself, then get in the shower, get ready for work, wake up my son, fix him breakfast, make sure the pets are fed and the dog is let out, fix him lunch, make sure everything is ready to go, drop him off at school, go to work,  work 8 hours, get out at 4:30, pick him up at 5, come home, take care of the dog, help my son with his homework, read over the ton of paperwork that comes home with him from school, make dinner, eat, get him in the shower, put him to bed, read to him, go and clean up the kitchen, start the dishwasher, make coffee for the morning, it’s now 9:30 pm, take an hour to myself, pass out and start it all over again tomorrow.”

    The biggest challenge is keeping my cool. Before I had medication and didn’t understand my bipolar, I would be consoling myself with a bottle of wine and junk food, which is now why I’m 10 pounds overweight. I often got absolutely overwhelmed and would start sobbing in the kitchen around 10 pm, trying not to make too much of a racket and wake my son. Yes, I keep my cool much better now… and when I want to throw some little piece of electronic bullshit across the room (like my iPad) when it won’t connect to the internet, so I can watch one measly T.V. show for a half hour, I don’t. I can stop myself now. That’s a little bit of a relief. I can feel the rage coming on and chill out before disaster strikes.

    I still wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I think, “What in the hell has happened to you? You look like shit on a stick!” So, I apply a ton of makeup only to discover at work under the harsh florescent lighting that I still have the black rings under my eyes. I still have the furrowed brow and the now ever present downturn of the mouth. No need to worry about laugh lines.

    All in all I have one job – keep my son sheltered from all this. He doesn’t deserve to take on these burdens and thankfully I am still able to do this for him. Will there come a day when my stamina runs out? Am I headed for an inevitable crash and burn? I need to figure out how to have one hour to myself when I come home in the evening. I think it might be vital for my mental health. I’ll continue to try and figure out what that would look like. Until then, I look forward to the small moments of peace that do grace me. My dog who welcomes me home, my mom who unexpectedly makes me a wonderful meal, my son’s pride… It’s enough.