So I want to go off the medication again… this time because I feel flatlined. I was nervous again about meeting up with my therapist and it seemed like for no reason, but then when I got home and decided to start writing in here again, I started to think. Then I started to get upset. Then cry. So I composed an email and sent it to my therapist thinking I should probably get in sooner than three weeks.
“I think I know why I was nervous about meeting with you on Friday… I want to go off of this medication, because I feel like its flatlining me, and I am overall doubting whether or not I even have an illness to be on it. I realize this now since you mentioned me skiing this winter and I forgot that I liked to ski. I’ve forgotten all of my likes. I’m just coasting, which is what these drugs do, so I’m questioning if I really even needed anything like this to begin with. I’ve gone back and read my journals which tell me yes, defiantly I need medication, but I’m wondering what you think about all this. This is probably what we should have discussed. I also feel like it’s hard for me to be around people again on a daily basis as far as work and I need to address that too. I think my co-workers are going to figure out something is wrong with me so going off the medication is out of the question. I feel trapped and afraid. sorry to be contacting you on a Saturday but today has been a bad day for me and I will talk myself out of this by Monday. Can we meet next week sometime?”
So that’s what’s going on now. Basic bipolar dilemma.