I have to turn things around. My thought patterns. If there are no circumstances (some people believe that) and we are co-creating our own realities with others, then I have to think upon the last year of disasters another way. And the disasters have continued by the way…

It all started with my throwing my boyfriend and his son out of my house. I behaved in such a way that I believe now that it was an unforgivable act the way it happened, and I am unforgivable. Scaring children is not okay. I can’t get that one out of my head and it’s just like what happened more recently with my own son. The weight of these actions and my inability to forgive myself makes me not want to be here. On earth that is. My life has been so terribly painful lately that I don’t want to live. Of course, I’ve always said that I would be relieved when death came for me. I would finally get some peace… but I was trying to turn things around and now I’m wallowing.

I broke my foot last Halloween, which was two nights ago for this year, so its come full circle. I had just decided to start running to better myself when this happened. So if I apply the new age philosophy, I broke it for some bigger reason. I remember I wanted to change, and being laid up for nearly 6 months certainly changed more than a few things. I learned to let things go. I learned that trying to control things on a minute level made me angry and dissolving my anger was one of my issues. I learned that I always gravitate towards a caregiver, and perhaps with the fragile state I was in after my break up, my foot doctor was just what I needed. He was so good at it, making me feel like everything was going to be fine and he was the one to see to it. Maybe I needed to break my foot to get some rest… maybe to gain a new perspective. I remember at one time I considered the whole situation a blessing in disguise. My house is allowed to be much more messy now. But,

• Why would I want my car to be totaled? What situation did that serve? I was going to put the money aside for a downpayment on a house!
• Why would I want to work my ass off on the conference only to realize that my boss lied to me and it was not going to become a career job?
• Why would I choose to have half of my hair fall out and never grow back!?
• Why choose to have my dad in the hospital so very sick and make myself angry at his new life once again?
• Why would I have chosen to have my new car keyed and then break off my side mirror?
• Why the nervous breakdown? The attempted suicide? The running away and making everyone worried sick.
• Why when doing the right thing while finally resigning from my position do I not even get a “goodbye, nice to know you” from anyone!  No parties for me…
• And finally, why when I do decide to get back into riding, just for me, something just for me that I used to love and excel at, for my mental health, do I injure myself the third time out and have to quit? Back to the couch with a hematoma on my pelvic bone. Nice!

Could all of this be related back to my inability to forgive myself? Do I consider myself not allowed to?
Maybe… Not allowed a house. Not allowed a career. Not allowed to be beautiful. Not allowed to be close to my dad. Not allowed to enjoy the luxury of a new car. Not allowed to be cared about by my coworkers. Not allowed to have fun. Not allowed to be a mother. Not allowed to live.

How did I sink so low? Am I locked in the white room, continually filling the empty box with emotions I can’t look at? How do you forgive yourself when you know, no believe, its just a belief  ——-