I really don’t want to keep writing about this. I am severally depressed about what I have done. I not only hurt my son (and his dog), I put my father in an ambulance due to the things I texted him. I told him he replaced all of us with a new nuclear family. I told him I believed that he did’t care one whit about me or what I go through each day, living with this disorder, and with my life in and of itself. I explained it to him many times and brought up the illness but he didn’t want to talk about it. So, one hour after I texted him my nastiness, he collapsed in the garage and passed out.
It’s my fault. My mom reassures me that his father had black-outs as well and not to take it on. But thats ridiculous. The doctors said it was due to dehydration, which is also ridiculous. I’m sure no one told him about my message. But my step mother must hate me now. She knows I caused this, but since she’s such a religious fanatic, she believes in forgiving forever.
I think it’s about not listening. He used to listen to me. We used to have our own time together, but as he said on the phone, “the hurt goes both ways”. Maybe it’s my fault that I left. I suppose this is all my deal, after all, I chose to leave. Hell, I even left the country for 4 years. He was ready to jump on a plane immediately when I sent my first text. It was firm, but not cruel, asking for $20,000 and explaining why. He said I could still come home and we could spend the weekend together, just he and I, to talk face to face. Why didn’t I do that!
I knew not to do this. I knew to just let my feelings go, take the higher ground. But I finally had to open my big mouth. I’m sure it was the gin and tonics, or the wine. I’m not supposed to be drinking at all with my bipolar disorder. I think I finally realize how dangerous it is for me to drink. Maybe this is what it feels like to hit bottom. I wanted to give away my own son and nearly killed my dad with my harsh words towards him in his weekend state.
I can’t continue writing this. I’m suicidal enough already.
Unforgivable.