Drinking alcohol is like choosing to stop taking your medication. If you think about it, alcohol renders the medications ineffective while screwing with your synaptic conductivity and your cognitive reasoning abilities. Now, I’m not talking about one drink here and there, but choosing to drink regularly and copiously (like I have been) slowly erodes the capability for the medicine to work. When I look back over the past 4 months, I see a directly connected pattern with drinking heavily and my rapid cycling.

I was angry enough to frighten and abuse my dog, the one who I picked up off the side of the road. The one who’s owners dumped and left her to try and survive on her own. Just a pup. She only deserves love and compassion, but she is afraid of me, because of my bipolar. She can sense it, sometimes 24hrs before a change takes place. So, I come home and she cowers and pees on the floor and what do I do? I yell at her and hit her and kick her outside. One time I was so angry that she ran off and I didn’t go looking for her, I just left her out all night in the cold. I think that I wronged her the most. Even more than my son. But my son has suffered emotional abuse because of this as well and he is afraid of me too.

I have been off my medication. I have been foolishly thinking that I can drink alcohol. I have been denying that I have this illness by drinking. I’ve been denying this illness because its serious and scary and… heavy I guess. No one likes to discuss it so that must mean its serious and heavy right? I have to fear my own mind, or I have to stay sober, clean, whatever you want to label it and move forward. Knowing that there will be ups and downs. Regrets. Rumination. But no unforgivable acts. No more hurt and shame. No more blame. No more asking for forgiveness. A little humility serves me well right now.