I should have said something. Once again I ignored my intuition and it’s sent me into a tailspin. I’ve been drinking like a fish to cope with something and in trying to figure out what that something is I think I can see it now. There are things that I need to say, need to decline, or address that I avoid, but since you can’t actually avoid anything you get chased by them instead.

I am being chased by a design job that I should have declined. I don’t have the time to do it and I don’t want to anymore. I’m being chased by the university. I need to withdraw, but I feel guilty about the loss of money so I stress about it, all the while not doing the work. And last but not least, I am being chased by my doctor. I really should have said something. God I wish I could put things in rewind.

Its called an energy leak and that’s exactly what it does. It drains you without you even knowing it. Right now I am being drained without my permission. I should have done things differently in the past but I didn’t and now I don’t know how to correct the mistakes. It would just be weird to try and correct them at this point. Here’s what I should have done and said:

• Sorry Bjorn I don’t do websites anymore, but I can put you in touch with someone who can.
• Albert, coffee is fine as long as it’s just coffee. I don’t want to date you. I don’t want to date anyone for at least a year.
• Don, I really don’t think we should have dinner together. Maybe coffee. I also wish that you would quit sending me pictures. I have copies of all of them and seeing pictures of the boys when they were little just makes me feel guilty. Yes, we had something good in the beginning but you know it turned bad for both of us in the end.
• Karl, I have to talk to you about something. I am experiencing quite a bit of transference towards you and its making me a little uncomfortable. I know that’s all it is, and it was probably unavoidable due to the crisis I’ve felt with this injury. I’ve been terribly dependent on you, and now I’m finding you attractive and your married and your my doctor, so I don’t know if just getting this out in the open will help or not. I don’t want to find another doctor, but I will if this makes you uncomfortable.

It’s interesting that they are all men. I declined a board membership recently because I knew I couldn’t take it on and that was Rita. She actually wrote me back and said,

“I totally understand and respect your decision, as too many times we try to do more than what we should be doing.  Wise decision.”

So maybe it’s a man trip on my part. What, do I have a problem saying no to men? Am I afraid of rejection?

I really should have said something. Especially to my doctor. It’s going to take longer for me to heal from those feelings towards him because I didn’t. I listened to other people, but I knew. I knew it in my heart that I should confront the issue. Now I can’t help but think there was some countertransference on his part and there may not have been. He could have put a stop to my uneasiness with a simple change in behavior. Maybe even just saying it would have made it go away. I suspect it would have.

At the very least I wouldn’t be holding on to thinking that somewhere in the future we might see each other again and there might be some spark between us. Or, that he’s leaving his wife. Holding on to such ridiculous ideas are detrimental to my well being. Hence the drinking.

Yeah, maybe I give men too much power over me. I’ll have to think on that.

Two more weeks in the boot. That was the determination on Monday. I don’t have to go back to see my doctor. I’m free to go. It’s on to physical therapy. 4-6 weeks 3 times a week.

The visit with my doctor was entirely different this time from all of our previous visits. It was brief, to the point, professional on both of our parts. He remained very detached and I remained slightly aloof. There were no lingering conversations. No long pauses on his part that extended the visit for no real reason. I didn’t have a lot of questions and I was quickly dismissed. He walked out like a doctor and did not hold the door for me this time which I felt was so odd when he did the last time.

I am relieved that it’s over. That nothing continued. Nothing transpired. But I’m confused. Was it all in my head? When I ask my friends they say no. They understood there was definite blurring of the boundaries going on. I might have been experiencing transference but he allowed it. The unspoken attraction. The building tension. However, I feel oddly displaced. A part of me still feels that needy desire. Still wants that comfort he was able to provide. And the fantasy that he might actually act on the attraction.

It was titillating, intoxicating and borderline scandalous. I have to admit, I enjoyed the thought that I might be able to compel him to step over the line. It would have been something to just grab him and kiss him right there in the exam room. There wouldn’t have to be any sex, any meeting outside of the office. No planing. No promises. Just that one moment of passion. That one heated moment.

There’s another part of me that wants the broken foot back for other reasons. I was able to slow down for real. My personality changed as I adapted to my predicament. I was much more centered and calm and I can already feel that slipping away. My anger is much, much better though and I can let things go, which was one of my goals. I don’t swear like I used to either. Now that I can walk though I can act. I can get up and fix things that are out of place. That’s going to take some work. To not act.

It will take a little longer to process the transference/countertransference though. It was such an odd experience. One I haven’t had to deal with before and I’m shocked really at how overwhelming it was. I went from mildly infatuated to nearly obsessive in one visit, one half hour, where he responded to me.

Feelings still remain for me and I have to remind myself of how I felt about him before that visit. When I was able to control my fleeting admiration because that was all it was. It’s hard when he lives right down the street though. I can’t help but be completely aware that we shop at the same grocery store and we might possibly run into each other in the dog park. And I think, would it be appropriate to talk to him if he was by himself?