I’ve been sitting and sitting and sitting… falling further and further into depression. My house is filthy. Laundry is strewn all over the place. I’ve been looking at the same plate of half eaten bagel on the dining room table for days… Dishes in the sink are piling higher and higher. The refrigerator is full of take out that I can’t even think about eating…

Broken foot. 46 days of broken.

I was fighting this in the beginning. I thought I could force my foot to behave. Walk. But now, I no longer have the drive to operate at the speed I used to. I don’t know if thats the depression or if I am really changing my behavior. There must be something for me to change out of all of this. Things happen for a reason right? Sure…

“But you don’t believe in all that fate crap. You’re in control of your own life. Here have a cookie. And I promise, by the time you’re through with it, you’ll feel right as rain.”

That’s what the oracle said to Neo in the Matrix when he still doubted that he was the one.  I personally don’t believe in it anymore either. I just haven’t had that experience with life lately. Maybe it’s part of adulthood. Life is something you have to work at. Every day. Especially if you want to have a good one. And then we get hit by the x-factor. The wild card. And bam, we’re down for the count. No matter how we plan for hard times we’re hardly prepared them. Personally, one more good hit to myself and I’m going to be right back in the hospital psych ward.

Man plans. God laughs.

Maybe I should study Buddhism. I have several books written by the Dalai Lama and have enjoyed them all. God I just want this pain to go away. I feel such a heaviness in my heart and I am ruminating on all of the bad that’s happened in the last 3 months. I did make things right with my ex though. I had to. My anger was toxic!