Today is like a whole new reality… My frustration and anger drove me to my therapist yesterday. I told her I was so angry that I could trash her whole office. I wanted to throw chairs through the windows, take a grizzly serrated knife to the couch, light the drapes on fire. I actually broke down in tears. Not my usual MO.

I said, “I just want to go away. I need to get in my truck and drive. I need to get out of here and I think I might just do that. It’s the only thing I can think of and I think I need to do it.” She asked me where I’d go. That didn’t matter to me, I just had to escape the irrational anger. I had to get out of town. I suggested that my ex put a curse on me or something. She scribbles something down — May be developing psychosis. Then she pulled a real shrink move on me, though she warned me it might piss me off.

“You know, a lot of times when we experience this much anger that has gone on for a while we are angry at ourselves for something.”

“I’m not angry at myself! What the hell have I done? It’s all these other people who continue to fuck with me!” I calmed down. I apologized  if for swearing so much. She said she didn’t care she was from New York.

I thought about it further. I knew she wanted an answer after all of my drama. “I guess if I had to pin it on something it would be that I’m too trusting. I trust people and then they fuck me over!”

I came home feeling shitty as ever. I told my mom I didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving. Now I’m baking squash. I had a moment of panic, because I forgot to make the pumpkin pie. Oh my God! I can’t go without pumpkin pie! I always make pumpkin pie!!!” I calmed down. Who really gives a rats ass? I’m just spinning out of control because I’m bipolar.

Anyway, back to the whole new reality.

I thought more last night about the curse. I doubted that someone could actually do that, well, here in this country. I can imagine in the deep jungles on South America there are natives who make little wax figures of people they don’t like and stick pins in them. But here, here we have energy attachments, and things that were given to you by someone who now hates you, well, you gotta get those things out of your life for good.

So I took it upon myself to go through every room and weed out the things my ex had given to me. You can’t believe how much stuff there was just lying around. I have a huge pile of remains now lying in my front driveway. Silks, foot massagers, bicycle pumps, magnets that read “True Love”. What was I doing with all this? Who knows, I guess I didn’t find myself so petty as to purge my house of all his things, but now I do. Now I hope that things will change for me. The only thing I kept was a bag full of jewelry. What woman gets rid of jewelry? But I’m still getting it out of my house. It’s going to my mothers until I feel it’s safe to have it back.

I also boxed up a bracelet that he gave me in the very beginning. It’s his dead sisters. I wrote him a short note and kept it nice, well, as best I could. I did have to lower myself to defiling his new girlfriends name, but come on… Svetlana? How could you refrain from calling her Slutlana at least once?

; 0