- I give up on trusting men
- I give up on being oppressed
- I give up on resenting my dog for liking everyone else more than me
- I give up on my high stress job
- I give up on paying too much for rent
- I give up on ever getting ahead in this town
- I give up on keeping up appearances
- I give up on fighting my ex for custody
- I give up on forgiving my dad for just not getting it
- I give up on thinking I drink to much wine
- I give up on hating the bags under my eyes
- I give up on keeping things in perfect order
- I give up on cooking… anything
- I give up on trying to do it all
I think this may be the new me. I’ve been laid up and on crutches for the past week. My mom has had to cook for me, take out the trash, take care of the dog, clean up my house, do laundry, bring over movies… hell I can’t even carry a cup of water to my bedside table!
It’s been a real eye-opener, especially for a borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’ve been challenged with what I consider the worst case scenario for myself. Letting others take care of me. It has been pretty fucked up for me as far as trusting anyone to actually do that. I’ve gotten a lot of talk about how I’ll be alright and taken care of by ex-husbands, boyfriends, even my dad. It’s a man-trip I think, and their own obsessions to control their women. So I give up, on everything this time.
It’s all about stressors and how they create a different me. I don’t think I behave any differently but my so-called energy must change. My dog notices is, my son does, and I’m just done with these negative changes in me. I’ve been living as a slave to those things I’ve listed above and they create all the bad business in my life. They create the look on my face. They create the the furrowed brow, the downturned mouth, the hunched shoulders, the impatience, the loss of control, the rage. They drive me. They own me. They create the reality around me and I allow them to. One of my favorite quotes that I never seem to let sink in.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to become doormats, wall flowers, something less than? We are women! For God sakes why do you think we are the ones who can bear children and raise the little monsters to become healthy, compassionate adults?
It’s funny, but I don’t know where to start in the giving up process. There is a start though isn’t there? I mean, you still have to take some sort of action in giving up. I wonder if it goes something like this…
- Quit my job
- Ignore my dog
- Tell my dad off
- Move into a shit-box low rent apartment
- Have my son live with his dad during the school week, since the shit-box apt will only be a one bedroom or studio.
- Let it become really, really messy
- Wear whatever I want
- Drink plenty of wine and eat frozen dinners.
Gotta love that. I’ve also considered selling all of my furniture and buying a camper and living out of my truck. Would that change anything though? After all, I’m still the borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’d probably get pissed for not getting the perfect parking spot for the camper.