• Happy Thanksgiving (or) The Purge!

    Today is like a whole new reality… My frustration and anger drove me to my therapist yesterday. I told her I was so angry that I could trash her whole office. I wanted to throw chairs through the windows, take a grizzly serrated knife to the couch, light the drapes on fire. I actually broke down in tears. Not my usual MO.

    I said, “I just want to go away. I need to get in my truck and drive. I need to get out of here and I think I might just do that. It’s the only thing I can think of and I think I need to do it.” She asked me where I’d go. That didn’t matter to me, I just had to escape the irrational anger. I had to get out of town. I suggested that my ex put a curse on me or something. She scribbles something down — May be developing psychosis. Then she pulled a real shrink move on me, though she warned me it might piss me off.

    “You know, a lot of times when we experience this much anger that has gone on for a while we are angry at ourselves for something.”

    “I’m not angry at myself! What the hell have I done? It’s all these other people who continue to fuck with me!” I calmed down. I apologized  if for swearing so much. She said she didn’t care she was from New York.

    I thought about it further. I knew she wanted an answer after all of my drama. “I guess if I had to pin it on something it would be that I’m too trusting. I trust people and then they fuck me over!”

    I came home feeling shitty as ever. I told my mom I didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving. Now I’m baking squash. I had a moment of panic, because I forgot to make the pumpkin pie. Oh my God! I can’t go without pumpkin pie! I always make pumpkin pie!!!” I calmed down. Who really gives a rats ass? I’m just spinning out of control because I’m bipolar.

    Anyway, back to the whole new reality.

    I thought more last night about the curse. I doubted that someone could actually do that, well, here in this country. I can imagine in the deep jungles on South America there are natives who make little wax figures of people they don’t like and stick pins in them. But here, here we have energy attachments, and things that were given to you by someone who now hates you, well, you gotta get those things out of your life for good.

    So I took it upon myself to go through every room and weed out the things my ex had given to me. You can’t believe how much stuff there was just lying around. I have a huge pile of remains now lying in my front driveway. Silks, foot massagers, bicycle pumps, magnets that read “True Love”. What was I doing with all this? Who knows, I guess I didn’t find myself so petty as to purge my house of all his things, but now I do. Now I hope that things will change for me. The only thing I kept was a bag full of jewelry. What woman gets rid of jewelry? But I’m still getting it out of my house. It’s going to my mothers until I feel it’s safe to have it back.

    I also boxed up a bracelet that he gave me in the very beginning. It’s his dead sisters. I wrote him a short note and kept it nice, well, as best I could. I did have to lower myself to defiling his new girlfriends name, but come on… Svetlana? How could you refrain from calling her Slutlana at least once?

    ; 0

     

  • Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus!

     

    I was thinking about how to explain bipolar disorder, again, and I thought about something I did relate to in the very beginning. Some of you with kids might have already heard of it. Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus. It’s a fantastic book. Won the Caldecott award. What I related to though was the birds relentless need to drive. I mean, at least in my case, my moods alway tried to drive me. It’s a simple illustration of bipolar disorder in my opinion and a funny one at that. I will not show it all here, so as to honor the copy write, but check out the page below and see if you relate…

  • Anger Management

    This may very well be the most angry I have been in adulthood. As a moody teenager it was acceptable, but now I am just enraged and nobody want’s to fucking hear it. Of course, neither would I, but I can’t deal with it any longer. I don’t even know where it began…

    Everything was fine in July… then we were supposed to go back to my family’s house for a week long vacation in August. My fiance wouldn’t get his shit together, so I threw him out! I fucking screamed and yelled and I’m sure the neighbors heard. The boys were crying, the dog was freaked out and my dick-head boyfriend was screaming right back at me. It must have looked like some white trash weekend carnival.

    After that he wouldn’t stop bugging me. “Won’t you reconsider.” “You know it’s just your illness.” “Everything was fine until you started taking the medication.”

    It was all a load of crap, especially since he already has a new, young and impressionable, stunningly beautiful lady friend at his side. They’ve probably been engaged in some giant fuck-fest since early October, when he was still begging me to come back to him.

    I’m starting to think that he has put a curse on me. I wonder if people can do that? Maybe I should try and find out. Like, go to a psychic or shaman or something, because here’s what has gone on since.

    • My boss did a drastic change on me and started treating me like shit for no reason
    • He threatened my position with calling in HR
    • My dog turned on me and now acts like I beat her
    • My car was totaled and I was without one for two months
    • My job was threatened again, so I decided to quit
    • I stepped off a curb and broke two bones in my foot
    • The ER misdiagnosed it as an fucking sprained ankle so I went ahead and walked on it
    • My son’s father developed cellulitus and became deathly ill
    • I am now on crutches and unable to– drive, eat anywhere but the kitchen counter, shower without risk, carry a glass of anything anywhere, do laundry, clean the house, take out the trash…
    • My recovery time is 4-6 weeks in a boot with no weight-bearing at all
    • Oh, and last but not least, I have to see my ex-boyfriend/fiance with his hot new squeeze, who he hooked up with 2 weeks after I dumped his ass for good
  • The Gimp

    I’ve been off my feet now for 25 days. I finally got an MRI of my right foot. I should soon know just what the hell is going on down there. The results won’t be officially given to me until Monday, but I did convince the tech to let me listen to the dictation from the radiologist. A big no-no as far as HIPA is concerned, but nothing that some tears from a girl on crutches can’t manage. The hospital badge helps too.

    It sounds like there are two fractures according to the radiologist, however I don’t speak doctor, so the blah, blah, period, blah, blah, blah, period, went pretty fast for me, but I did catch fracture. I was like, “Thank God. That’s what I wanted to hear.” The tech just looked at me, “That’s what you wanted?” “Well, I didn’t want to hear that it was a torn ligament.” I think he still thought I was nutty, but I didn’t care as long as I could keep chatting with him. He was super cute!

    I’ll tell you what though, the anger I’ve been feeling is just getting unbearable, for me, my family, hell even the dog! I feel like I need a frickin’ anger management class to get me through this. I am so pissed at the ER for screwing up. I told them it was more than a sprain. I told them I heard a loud pop when I went down. When I asked the foot doctor if that meant anything he said, “Well yes. It means you broke something.” So why the misdiagnosis? Why did I go to work after 10 days of lying on the couch having my mother wait on me and walk around? God I hope I didn’t screw something up.

    Now I just feel depressed. I feel beaten down by this. I hate, absolutely hate, not being able to get around by myself. I can’t drive. I can’t clean my house. Can’t do laundry. The workout of crutching around is pretty good though. It’s like doing a push-up and a crunch all at once each time you take a step. Maybe I’ll have great looking arms and a flat tummy when it’s all said and done.

    My biggest concern is how long I’m going to be laid up, because this really effects my moods. The one way I control my bipolar is to go outside and get some good cardio going. I haven’t figured out how to do that and there’s no good replacement. I’ve been using wine, but that just ends up backfiring. It ultimately makes me feel more withdrawn and more grouchy.

    Today I went up to one of my favorite remote, secret places, and that always resets me, but I had to be driven. I’m really not doing well with being driven everywhere. Maybe this is all happening to force me to slow down. I have been running on awfully high speed for the past year. I try and contemplate the bigger picture… hmmm.

    Anyway, if there is something to contemplate its this. The afternoon of my fall, when I was at work, I get this email from a friend of mine and at the bottom there’s one of those rotating quotes that are sometimes there. I read it, think nothing of it, then as I’m walking out of work, just minutes before my fall, I see this piece of paper lying on the ground. It has the same quote on it.

    Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. — Steve Jobs 

  • Strength

    There is a strength inside each of us that we don’t even know about. We carry on, although all signs point to collapse. Overloaded, we cling to each other as we walk a fine line between sanity and madness. One step off of the knife edge and we will fall into the abyss. Sometimes people reach out. They ask if we are alright. Sometimes we are honest. Sometimes they help.

     

     

  • Mood Tracking Apps and Websites

    I’ve been using an online mood tracker (www.moodtracker.com) since my diagnosis. I tried all the apps listed below, but found the web based versions to be more thorough. What it will do for you at the very least is verify whether you are doing well or not. This comes in handy when control freak boyfriends try to tell you that they think the medication is actually making you worse and they would quit taking it if they were you. Yeah, that’s a great idea! Anyway, mood tracking software will keep track of sleep patterns, anxiety levels, exercise routines, alcohol consumption, moods spikes, drops and mixed states. Some of them also have a journal section where you can dig into other reasons why there may have been a shift. For example there’s a spike in your mood then a major drop on the 16th and the journal reads, just totaled the car, dumped my fiance, and quit my job… Below is the first and second quarter for myself. The red section is “not medicated” and the changes in background (pink/grey) are the dosage increases.

    Screen shot 2013-11-10 at 11.29.49 AMScreen shot 2013-11-10 at 11.30.30 AM

    iCharting: Web, Desktop and Phone Applications for Mood Tracking
    updated August, 2013

    Okay, okay: now there are bunch of these programs (why did it take so long?).  I can’t even keep up anymore. Here are three that seem to have what you might want. The research tool I’ve tried myself.  The other two seem so simple or well worked out, they’ve made the list here, but there are more out there I’ve not examined. Options 2 and 3 are available for both iPhone and Android.

    1. Suppose all you wanted to do was rate your mood every day (not sleep, exercise, or anxiety). That might make it so simple you’d actually do it most of the time!  For that, there’s a free simple clean program, web or iPhone (Android “coming soon”, as of 9/2012, but they have been saying that for a while…).MoodPanda.

    2. If you want to chart mood and sleep and anxiety, and have your fully private results support a research effort (with daily reminders to chart, which is nice if you need it and can be turned off if you don’t) , you want BeatingBipolar.  They have iPhone and Android versions.  You can have your medical provider look at your chart in advance of a visit by sending your log-in info.

    3. However, if you want a full program that’s been revised for several years, now very slick, that may be the Optimism program (desktop/laptop, or handheld, Apple or Windows). This is a commercial grade product. I don’t know how they are managing to offer this for free (maybe because they’re marketing it for clinicians?).

    THE ABSOLUTE ULTIMATE BEST: This is not available quite yet (as of August, 2013), but there is an Android program which not only allows you to enter your own data but also uses your Android to summarize the frequency of your phone calls, texts, and exercise ( and even just how much you move around on average). The research team developing it has published a description of this program and how they are testing itKessing; the short version of that report is that they definitely have this working and it is probably the ultimate mood/energy tracking system.  It should be only a matter of time before this system, which gathers much more objective data about what is really going on, is available commercially.

    * Credit to James Phelps, MD. PsychEducation.org

  • This is an Important Section for those of you Who Want the Real Nitty Gritty.

    When I was first diagnosed I took it upon myself to find the most information I could on bipolar disorder. I wanted an explanation. I wanted specifics. I wanted the scientific reason. The following are pieces taken from what I think is the best website on Bipolar II out there, written by Dr.Jim Phelps, a board certified psychiatrist, who’s recognized as a national expert on the topic of bipolar disorder. If you’re into the nuts and bolts of what’s really going on, I fully encourage you to visit the full site, PsychEducation.org, where you’ll find detailed research pertaining to bipolar disorder.

    The following excerpt is copied with full credit given to James R. Phelps, MD.

    ___________________

    The Biologic Basis of Bipolar Disorder

    Brain Differences

    Summary:
    This is a hard chapter.  If there are any in this series of five chapters you might wish to skip, this would probably be it.  The others lead more directly to implications for treatment.  This chapter is for those people who would like to see with their own eyes what is going on in the brain of people with bipolar disorder that might be different from what is going on in those who do not have this condition.

    Differences in size

    First the good news: many of the differences in brain size which have been shown in many studies of patients with mood problems can be reversed at least in part with effective treatment.  Second, the take-home message for now:  growing evidence suggests that each episode of severe mood symptoms is associated with increases in these brain size differences, and therefore aggressive pursuit of good symptom control may be associated with preventing some of the brain changes that unfortunately seem to progress in at least some forms of bipolar disorder.

    Although it has taken years to be certain, because not all studies have shown the same results, there is now fairly good agreement that the frontal cortex (which is associated with decision-making and controlling impulsive behavior) shrinks in size when bipolar disorder is allowed to progress. This is basically the same result which has been seen in severe forms of depression which remain untreated, as shown in my essay on frontal atrophy in depression.

    Several studies have now shown that lithium appears to be capable of reversing this trend toward frontal atrophy (the studies are referenced in the essay on treatment effects in depression).

    Differences in Function: Facial Recognition Tasks

    People with bipolar disorder make mistakes when interpreting the expressions on people’s faces, at least in an experimental setting. This has been shown several times, including in children,McClurewhere the following results were obtained:

    As you can see, given the pictures that were shown in this study, everybody makes mistakes and interpreting them, but people with bipolar disorder make those mistakes more often.  Interestingly, their mistake rate was even greater than patients with anxiety disorders, who did not differ greatly from controls.  When the faces shown exhibited more dramatic expressions, people with bipolar disorder made over twice as many mistakes as people without a mood or anxiety problem.

    all of the above findings were seen even in children who were not symptomatic at the time of the study. In other words, this difficulty with facial expression recognition may be one of the more lasting, permanent parts of the illness, not a symptom.  However, the error rate may be particularly evident during mania.AltshulerFleck  Interestingly, these mistakes in facial recognition appear to be reduced by treatment, at least with one of the standard treatment for bipolar disorder, lamotrigine.Haldane

    Making quick decisions about emotional matters

    If you aren’t familiar with reading one of these pictures, and don’t want to learn (not too tough, but maybe not necessary), the bottom line here is: people with bipolar disorder, even when they don’t have any symptoms, don’t seem to use the front part of their brain when making decisions under time pressure.  In this particular task, at least, they were not using the part of the brain known to inhibit impulsive action (not as much as were the control subjects).

    Researchers are homing in on regions of the brain which act differently in people with bipolar disorder compared to those without the illness.  Evidence is growing quite strong that a region of the brain called the medial prefrontal cortex is underactive in people with bipolar disorder even when they are having no symptoms at all.  However, to see this difference show up, the the brain image study must be done when participants are working on a task that requires making decisions quickly about something with an emotional overtone. In a recent study, a team from AustraliaLagopoulosfound the following result:

    The red region is the medial prefrontal cortex.  You see here the portion of it which is more active during the task in people without bipolar disorder, compared to those with the illness (the task required a complex sorting of words, some of which had emotional implications). The blue/green region is the hippocampus, which was more active during the task in people with bipolar disorder.

    The authors note that this region of the frontal cortex is thought to be important in being able to change one’s behavior from a routine response to a new, flexible response based on circumstances.  One of my patients to whom I showed this picture asked about her sense that she is no longer able to “multitask”.  She cannot rely on her brain to make choices between routine or flexible responses unless she really concentrates.  She pointed out that people often take up the ability to multitask as a marker of intelligence; and unfortunately, the opposite as well: if you cannot multitask, you aren’t “smart”.  Increasingly, this somewhat subtle cognitive impairment is being recognized as one of the unfortunate consequences of bipolar disorder.

    Medications may make a difference, however, at least somewhat.  In a study similar to the one shown above,Strakowski researchers compared patients who were not receiving medications with those who were.  The following series of MRI slices shows regions of the brain which were more active in those taking medications.   As you can see, a region of the brain similar to that emphasized above, the medial frontal cortex,  became more active with treatment.  Another region which changes substantially is the anterior cingulate gyrus, which has been shown in other studies to play a central role in emotion control.

    In general the picture which seems to be developing here is that people with bipolar disorder are working harder with their emotional centers when doing basic thinking work, compared to those without the illness. This may be some form of compensation for decreased activity in more frontal regions of the brain.

     

  • I Give Up!

    • I give up on trusting men
    • I give up on being oppressed
    • I give up on resenting my dog for liking everyone else more than me
    • I give up on my high stress job
    • I give up on paying too much for rent
    • I give up on ever getting ahead in this town
    • I give up on keeping up appearances
    • I give up on fighting my ex for custody
    • I give up on forgiving my dad for just not getting it
    • I give up on thinking I drink to much wine
    • I give up on hating the bags under my eyes
    • I give up on keeping things in perfect order
    • I give up on cooking… anything
    • I give up on trying to do it all

    I think this may be the new me. I’ve been laid up and on crutches for the past week. My mom has had to cook for me, take out the trash, take care of the dog, clean up my house, do laundry, bring over movies… hell I can’t even carry a cup of water to my bedside table!

    It’s been a real eye-opener, especially for a borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’ve been challenged with what I consider the worst case scenario for myself. Letting others take care of me. It has been pretty fucked up for me as far as trusting anyone to actually do that. I’ve gotten a lot of talk about how I’ll be alright and taken care of by ex-husbands, boyfriends, even my dad. It’s a man-trip I think, and their own obsessions to control their women. So I give up, on everything this time.

    It’s all about stressors and how they create a different me. I don’t think I behave any differently but my so-called energy must change. My dog notices is, my son does, and I’m just done with these negative changes in me. I’ve been living as a slave to those things I’ve listed above and they create all the bad business in my life. They create the look on my face. They create the the furrowed brow, the downturned mouth, the hunched shoulders, the impatience, the loss of control, the rage. They drive me. They own me. They create the reality around me and I allow them to. One of my favorite quotes that I never seem to let sink in.

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
    ― Eleanor Roosevelt

    Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to become doormats, wall flowers, something less than? We are women! For God sakes why do you think we are the ones who can bear children and raise the little monsters to become healthy, compassionate adults?

    It’s funny, but I don’t know where to start in the giving up process. There is a start though isn’t there? I mean, you still have to take some sort of action in giving up. I wonder if it goes something like this…

    1. Quit my job
    2. Ignore my dog
    3. Tell my dad off
    4. Move into a shit-box low rent apartment
    5. Have my son live with his dad during the school week, since the shit-box apt will only be a one bedroom or studio.
    6. Let it become really, really messy
    7. Wear whatever I want
    8. Drink plenty of wine and eat frozen dinners.

    Gotta love that. I’ve also considered selling all of my furniture and buying a camper and living out of my truck. Would that change anything though? After all, I’m still the borderline obsessive compulsive person with control issues. I’d probably get pissed for not getting the perfect parking spot for the camper.