I have read websites, blog topics, and listened to personal advice about whether or not to reveal this illness to people. I’ve kept it a secret for the most part, except for telling my Mom and Dad, my best friend and my ex- boyfriend who knew something was wrong and encouraged me to seek help. I keep it to myself because I have a strong sense of self-preservation which is my driving force so much of the time.

What I think is that most people don’t get it and don’t want to, so what’s the point? The responses I’ve gotten so far haven’t really satisfied me. I’ve gotten blank stares, avoidance in the form of never talking about it, reassurances that they know someone else with it (as if it’s like the common cold) and walking away from having a relationship with me altogether. It’s been four months and I have not had one person, not one fucking person of the few people closest to me, simply ask…  how I feel about this freight train of wreckage that was just dumped on me.

Last week Friday at 4 o’clock my boss came in and started to tell me that I needed to create a “presentation” about the training center that I run, and basically pitch it to the practice. See the hospital is making budget cuts and it’s shutting down entire departments. The stress in my life became enormous. I considered telling him about my condition and how this kind of pressure can trigger bad circumstances for me, but realistically he would react no differently than anyone else, and let’s face it, it might seriously work against me as far as employment.

Telling people… I haven’t figured it out yet. I think that there is still a huge stigma when it comes to mental illness and a great misunderstanding of bipolar disorder. There is so much information out there, but people don’t feel the need to read it, not even those closest to me. They think they understand, they think it’s like what they see on t.v. I guess. Honestly, it makes me feel very alone in this… I’m required to visit a psychologist once a month, as many of us are when on the medications prescribed, and I don’t even think she gets it. All in all, I only want one person to understand, my son. That’s why I continue to write this. One day he’ll be able to read it and get it.